In the midst of hurt

Yesterday, I started a blog post about the difficulties I’ve been facing recently. I decided that I was tired of telling stories that somehow tied up nice and neat and made it sound like even though such-and-such a challenge came along, I learned such-and-such from it and everything was smoothly and beautifully redeemed. Now, that’s not to say that brokenness isn’t redeemed, or that we shouldn’t express our experiences of healing. I was just desperate to communicate that sometimes, hurts keep on hurting even when we can see their purpose. And sometimes, we don’t get to see their purpose at all. Sometimes, hurts and doubts and fears and brokenness drag on, like a small pounding in your head that is still there, even after all the tears have been cried and all the prayers have been prayed.

That’s the kind of story I set out to share. Then, just as the words were starting to flow, I had the sudden urge to turn the page in my notebook and make a list of everything I have been thankful for in the last couple of days and weeks. So I did.

Making that list did not cease that small pounding. It did not heal my brokenness or cast out my fears and doubts. It did not tie a nice little bow at the end of my story of hurt.

It did, however, point me back to the importance of gratitude. It reminded me that when I am having the most trouble seeing and experiencing God, gratitude can be the strongest lifeline. Though it may not calm the storm, it can provide an anchor in the midst of the wind and rain.

So, instead of sharing the story of my recent struggles, I am going to share my list of recent graces.

My struggles are still very much present. My hope is that I can learn how to practice gratitude in the midst of struggle, when I don’t feel like the problems are resolved, and when I don’t particularly feel like being grateful.

Recently, I have been grateful for…

• hugs and high-fives from awesome kids
• rare and sacred quiet time
• sunny, 80-degree weather in November
• a chance to catch up on letter-writing
• holding a neighbor’s adorable kitten
• extra sleep and time to rest
• laugh-so-hard-you-cry (or start hiccuping) moments with dear friends
• difficult but important opportunities to learn from people who see things differently
• fears and tears shared on a bedroom floor
• a beautiful meal and quality time shared with three generations of strong, loving women
• strangers becoming family

What small graces can you find in the midst of your hurt?

In the insignificant

Change of one sort or another is the essence of life, so there will always be the loneliness and insecurity that come with change. When we refuse to accept that loneliness and insecurity are part of life, when we refuse to accept that they are the price of change, we close the door on many possibilities for ourselves; our lives become lessened…. Life evolves; change is constant. - Jean Vanier 

 The last two months have been marked by deep and lasting change. My surroundings have changed, my daily routine has changed, the people I live with and near have changed, and my lifestyle has changed. Amidst all this change, it has been difficult to identify any constants. At times, loneliness and insecurity have threatened to overtake me. When I don’t feel known, when I don’t feel equipped, when I have trouble remembering why I wanted my life to look like this. 

At these times, when I feel like my eyes are barely above the waves, God reminds me of His faithfulness. My roommate gives me a hug out of the blue, saying “I just love you.” Our next door neighbor comes over to drop off mail that he picked up for us and remind us to turn on the porch light. I hear the sweet squeals of a happy baby.  

God shows up for me in those little, simple moments. Even when I want to turn off my alarm in the morning and sleep through the responsibilities. Even when I snap at my roommates out of exhaustion or frustration. Even when I question all of my reasons for being here. When I turn around, He is there, holding His arms wide open to welcome me into His loving, merciful embrace. There are many things that He is inviting me into in this new season, and one of them is opening the door to change and uncertainty. Though it is extremely challenging for me to let go of my desire for security and control, God is showing me the abundant life and love that He wants to give me when I loosen my grip. 

If it weren’t for my new city, my new neighbors, my new housemates, my new job, and all of the new experiences I am encountering, I would be stuck with the same image of God that I had before. But, because I am way outside my comfort zone, living and loving in a way that is unfamiliar to me, I can develop and grow my image of God and my relationship with this constant, loving Shepherd. He shows up in the joy and laughter, and He shows up in the sorrow and tears. He is there in our doubt and our insecurity and our hesitant steps.  

This life is not perfect. It is messy and trying and confusing. But there is so much beauty in drawing strength from God's faithfulness and mercy in even the simplest of things, and realizing that the insignificant moments are often the most significant.

Life, as told by a fortune cookie

Three weeks ago, I graduated from college. It still hasn’t totally sunk in that I’m no longer a student, and it doesn’t help that I’m still living in the same city, in the same apartment, just a few blocks from campus. However, this stage of my life is filled with the most change I’ve experienced since I came to college.

In about three and a half months, I will be starting my time with Mission Year, an incredible one-year ministry program for young adults [learn more about it here]. I committed to the program almost 6 months ago, and that time has flown by. It’s so hard to believe that in such a short time I will be moving about 1400 miles away from my current home in Pittsburgh, PA to Houston, Texas. During my time in Houston, I will be learning about what it means to love God and love people through living in community with other MY team members, getting to know my neighbors, and serving in the neighborhood. I am beyond excited for this adventure and new chapter in my life!

However, I’ve never been very good at change. I tend to resist it, pretty much at all costs. Several months ago, my best friend and I had a conversation that served as a major catalyst for many things in my life to begin changing, including my ability to define myself by my status as God’s beloved. That night, we picked up some Chinese takeout for dinner, and as I was wrestling with all of the exciting and painful things we were discussing, I unwrapped the fortune cookie I got with my food. Normally, I only read them so that I can make fun of the silly (and often pointless) little messages. However, this one was about to speak some serious truth into my life. It read:

“Welcome change.”

It might seem a little far-fetched, but I truly believe that that little fortune cookie’s message was God splashing water in my face, telling me that even though it can be painful, with change comes incredible growth and opportunity to love. That the changes that were staring me in the face needed to be embraced and welcomed into my life, not pushed away.

Once again, I am facing changes that seem incredibly scary. I feel a little like I’m jumping off a cliff with no idea how far down I’ll fall or what’s at the bottom. But, God has shown me that when I welcome change (or, at the very least, don’t fight it tooth and nail), amazing things happen and He remains faithful. So, during this season of intense change, and throughout the next year as I encounter countless new and scary experiences, I want to try my best to welcome the changes that God brings into my life, and consider them blessings.