sometimes, I don't want to choose joy

Over the past several months, our Mission Year family has talked a lot about seeking "deep joy" over "cheap fun," and when we gather together, we share the ways that we've experienced joy during the week. Sometimes, these are real challenges. Sometimes, "cheap fun" just seems more fun, and sometimes there are weeks when it seems like everything went wrong and I just don't have anything joyful to share.

There are a lot of sayings out there about "choosing" joy. I've always thought that it sounds nice, but seems unrealistic most of the time.  I mean, if someone is sad, why can't they just be sad? Or angry? Or hurt?

....what about depressed? 

....anxious? 

Why do we have to choose joy when things are difficult? Can't things just be difficult?

Living in community, I've learned a lot about choosing love. When we're having the same tense conversation about dishes for the thousandth time, when one or two or all six of my roommates are getting on my nerves, when I can't seem to find just five minutes of peace and quiet, I have to choose love. We have to choose love. Do we do it perfectly? Nope. But we are committed to each other, and so we stay. We choose each other, we come back. Over and over and over.

So, if I can choose love, can I choose joy? Can I choose joy when I'm frustrated? Can I choose joy when I really just don't feel like it? When everything going on around me seems anything but joyful? I think that I can. Joy doesn't have to mean walking around everywhere with a huge smile on your face all the time. I am learning that for me, joy is the feeling I get when I think about the future that I will get to spend with Christ in eternity. That is my truth, and it's my truth even when I'm not feeling particularly "happy." 

So, for me, choosing joy means living as if I really believe that truth--even and especially when things are difficult. Feeling sad or angry or anxious or whatever I'm feeling is important--I don't want to replace those feelings with artificial happiness. What I do want is to start practicing choosing joy. Choosing to feel and know and believe, deep down, that I am loved and valued infinitely by the God of the universe. 

I think that when we start to figure out what our truth is--who we are and who we're becoming--we find a place for joy, right alongside grief and heartache and even just the mundane. We can choose joy even as we choose sadness. 

I hope that I can remember to choose joy, just like I need to remember to choose love.